Mama! I need help wiping!!!

These are five little words I hear ever day. Usually, twice a day.. sometimes more if questionable or non-food items have been ingested... Sometimes, it's your run of the mill brown. Other times, it's a rainbow of colors in the toilet bowl. Cap 'N Crunch seems to have an ingenious effect on childhood poop. It doesn't matter, however, what color it is. No matter how pretty or fascinating her bodily expenditures seems to be ("Mommy, I see corn!") , she won't clean it up.

My 4 year old WILL not wipe herself. She used to, before the divorce. Apparently, her father's and I separation has led to her sudden inability to remove fecal matter from her bum. No other aspects of her development have seemed to regress.. only the matter of wiping. It's like she woke up one day and thought "You know what? I'm fucking pissed that my parents got divorced. I'll show them, I won't ever wipe my own ass again!"

It usually goes something like this:

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAMA! I need help wiping!"

Me: "I'm busy, you'll have to wait a few minutes"

30 seconds later..

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAAAAAMA!" I need help WIPING!"

Me: "Chloe, I'm face-booking (or insert other non-important task like watching Oprah or swigging of shot of vodka), not right now! Wait a few minutes"

4 1/2 minutes minutes later...

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAAM" *whine* "I need HELP WIPING"

Me: "You know, Chloe, maybe you should learn to wipe yourself"

Chloe: "I don't know HOW" *whine* "Heeeeelp me"

10 minutes later

Me: *entering bathroom* "For god's sake Chloe, I'm tired of this crap. You need to learn to wipe yourself" *As I proceed to hold my breathe and wipe my preschoolers ass*

I kid you not. She would sit on that toilet for hours before she even attempted to wipe herself. Sometimes, when I go in there I find little origami toilet paper swans and carvings on the bathroom wall "Chloe was here, 8-12-07" She will sit there THAT long. And, yes... I will let her sit there that long. I will let her sit there until I can't stand the sound of her whining any more, even though the muffled sounds of the closed door ... And then I will walk in there, shake my head, wipe her ass and then offer her a jumbo cheese stick and an 8 oz glass of milk. HA! That will show HER.. she won't be needing my assistance now for at least a few days.....