An imported blog..(Mommy Cliques)

A blot I wrote close to a year ago .. moving it here.. enjoy.

You remember High School, right? You know, those four years of your life where you either did your best to stand out in the crowd, or shrink back as far as possible until you were practically invisible, after which you'd get mad and huff and puff that nobody ever noticed you. You either had TONS of friends or just a few close friends, or maybe NO friends if you were REALLY unlucky. You were either SOMEBODY, or you were NOBODY. Everyone fell into their "place" as they walked those halls of judgment, criticism and condemnation. Some individuals fit perfectly into those exclusive groups of others who shared common interests, otherwise known as "cliques". There were the jocks, the preps, the goths, band geeks, nerds, punks, "thespians" (which always got a good giggle), grade repeaters, cheerleaders, those who didn't speak very good English (or any at all) because they moved to the United States from Vietnam. Ok, so that last one isn't so much a clique...but if you went to West High School in Davenport, you know what i'm talking about. But, I digress ...such is life during your teenage years. You deal with it the best way you know how and at the end of those four years you are either clawing at those locked glass doors (yes, they actually DID lock them) barely breathing, and ready to escape the halls that confined you for so many years, or you are crying with your cheerleader friends reliving the best years of your life and wishing you could stay there forever.

What you don't know yet, is that the confinement of cliques will continue to haunt you for the rest of your life, especially if you become a mom. In fact, grown, childbearing women can be much more scary than their peppy, face painted, glittery eyeshadow, pom pom carrying counterparts. Women are constantly trying to find new ways to exclude other moms. You'd think, at this stage of our lives, we would be accepting and helpful to others, but, let's face it. Women are bitches ... So, if you already ARE a mom, or ever plan on becoming one, what should worry you more than a c-section, stretch marks, or a bad episiotomy, is the prospect of reentering a social universe more stratified and competitive than a tenth-grade cafeteria.

Here are several issues that I frequently see creating a "Us" vs. "Them" mentality:

Decisions about parenting: Let's just start with the issues at hand: spanking, crying it out, baby wearing, co-sleeping, television watching, vaccinations, breastfeeding, circumcision, homeschooling, UN-schooling, nutrition, discipline, lint ingesting, pajama wearing, name brand clothing vs. Wal-mart clothing, OK, so maybe I got off track with the last few, but trust me, moms can and WILL find anything to judge another mom about. "You give your child RED popsicles?? Do you know how much RED DYE is in a RED Popsicle?". Yes, moms will gossip behind your back about your choice of frozen treats you give your child. Expect it and get over it. What gets to me is that in the same breathe as yelling and hollering "Don't judge me! Cut me some slack!", we mothers will dish out out that same judgment to someone else in something we consider an area of "expertise" for ourselves. One minute we are defending our decision to give little billy the occasional swat on the butt ("it develops character, it really does!") , the next we are ripping into poor Buffy at the park for letting her son watch Elmo ("you know television watching causes ADD, right?"). Mothers, generally, do not agree in every area of parenting. We often conflict the very things we say. For instance, one mom I know is ADAMANT against giving her children vaccinations, for health reasons she says. However, she admits to unbuckling her infant son while in the car (NOT while driving, I will add), to breastfeed him in the backseat. A bit conflicting, no?

Decisions about childbirth: All this talk about "natural" vs "unnatural" childbirth. What is that about? In MY opinion, every child that is born, is born naturally. Is there really an UNNATURAL way to have a baby? I suppose giving birth in the middle of a field in Africa, and then 20 minutes later putting that baby to your breast in a sling and continuing to work would see unnatural to many women, but, this is actually pretty common practice in many parts of the world. Women get on their high-horses about having a NATURAL childbirth, ie. using NO drugs, and having a "vaginal delivery". Good for you if you choose not to use drugs, if you feel you are "strong" enough or "woman" enough to bear the excruciating pain of pushing a head the size of a bowling ball out of your loins. I admire that, however, it wasn't for me and I don't feel I should be looked down upon for making that decision. Don't judge me because I chose not to labor naturally, at home, or underwater, or in a birth center with a doula, or while doing yoga, under the influence of jedi mind tricks, or running on a treadmill at an incline of 5. I'm not sure someone has actually attempted those last options, but I'm sure someone will try, and tout it as the latest and greatest of childbirth options, then shake their heads in disgust when they learn that not EVERYONE is following their lead.

Money: This one is pretty self explanatory. There are those of us who mostly shop at discount stores and are well aware that "K-mart DEFINITELY has better quality clothes than Walmart!" and then there are those who spend their days ordering $65 sweaters out of the LL Bean catalog, for something their 10 month old will most likely fit into for approximately 3 1/2 weeks. You show up at the park, and the mom next to you has her newborn child dressed in a $275 Hot Couture lace onesie (I'm not exactly sure if this exists, but I wouldn't be at all surprised) meanwhile, your lucky if half your kids lunch isn't running down the front of his old navy t-shirt.

Age/marital status: This one bugs me quite a bit, especially since I've been at the "bottom of the totem pole" in both categories. I became a mom for the first time at just barely 20, I was also a single mom. Not only do other moms treat you differently, but the general public as well. You aren't smart enough, good enough, maternal enough, mature enough, blah blah. There's NO denying that having a baby as a young/single mother may not be the IDEAL situation, but things happen and it does NOT mean you can't be a good mother. But, aside from teenage moms, there is the whole argument on when the best time to have a child is. In your 20's or early 30's when you are vibrant, active, full of energy, or later in life with you are more mature, more stable, with more wisdom and patience. This argument will likely continue as long as women are popping them out. I don't think there is a "right" time to have a child, if you feel you are ready, then mostly likely you are. If you want until the "time is right" that time may never come. Then the other issue is marital status. As I have recently become separated from my husband I am seeing how differently people view you as a mother. It's like I have the plague. The divorced mother plague. If you come within 10 feet of me, you may very well be infected. This is especially common with mothers who THINK they have the perfect marriage, the perfect little family, with the white picket fence, the dog, the minivan and the country club membership (yes, I'm describing my former life!). The thing is..NO ONE has that, they are all fooling themselves. Every family has problems. So, when they see, right in front of their eyes, how easily this CAN be unraveled, they tend to stay away, FAR away.

And last, but definitely not least ...

Working vs stay-at-home moms: Having been on both sides of the fence (and kinda still am, as I am only working VERY part time), I completely understand the pros and cons of both working and staying-at-home (let's not get into the semantics of "Hey, I work hard at home also!" right now. We all know you do.) Stay-at-home moms seem to feel that being at home with their children is very important, but devalued, yet are sometimes envious of the adult-contact and societal esteem that working gives. Working moms seem to feel that working hard for their children is very important, but devalued, yet are sometimes envious of the time with their children that staying-at-home gives. I've been both, and BOTH are difficult in their own ways.

There you have it, just a few of the MANY ways women compare and judge each other and form cliques similar, if not worse, than those of our school aged years.

So why all the judgment, I wonder? Why all the exclusion? For one thing, everyone has a hot issue. Everyone wants to feel like they "know what they are talking about". But I think that a good deal of it is insecurity. As confident as we mothers try to appear, I think that there is a level of self-doubt underneath it all, terrified of being found out. As long as we can find someone else (or a group of someone elses) doing something "worse" than us in a particular area, then at least we aren't The Worst Mother In The World. But, really, this is silly. We should all come together and realize the common thread that we have. Whether or not we have all the same views or parenting styles, we are all doing the best that we can with what we have and what we know. We all love our kids and THAT is what matters most.

Can't we all just get along?

Mama! I need help wiping!!!

These are five little words I hear ever day. Usually, twice a day.. sometimes more if questionable or non-food items have been ingested... Sometimes, it's your run of the mill brown. Other times, it's a rainbow of colors in the toilet bowl. Cap 'N Crunch seems to have an ingenious effect on childhood poop. It doesn't matter, however, what color it is. No matter how pretty or fascinating her bodily expenditures seems to be ("Mommy, I see corn!") , she won't clean it up.

My 4 year old WILL not wipe herself. She used to, before the divorce. Apparently, her father's and I separation has led to her sudden inability to remove fecal matter from her bum. No other aspects of her development have seemed to regress.. only the matter of wiping. It's like she woke up one day and thought "You know what? I'm fucking pissed that my parents got divorced. I'll show them, I won't ever wipe my own ass again!"

It usually goes something like this:

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAMA! I need help wiping!"

Me: "I'm busy, you'll have to wait a few minutes"

30 seconds later..

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAAAAAMA!" I need help WIPING!"

Me: "Chloe, I'm face-booking (or insert other non-important task like watching Oprah or swigging of shot of vodka), not right now! Wait a few minutes"

4 1/2 minutes minutes later...

Chloe: "MAAAAAAAAM" *whine* "I need HELP WIPING"

Me: "You know, Chloe, maybe you should learn to wipe yourself"

Chloe: "I don't know HOW" *whine* "Heeeeelp me"

10 minutes later

Me: *entering bathroom* "For god's sake Chloe, I'm tired of this crap. You need to learn to wipe yourself" *As I proceed to hold my breathe and wipe my preschoolers ass*

I kid you not. She would sit on that toilet for hours before she even attempted to wipe herself. Sometimes, when I go in there I find little origami toilet paper swans and carvings on the bathroom wall "Chloe was here, 8-12-07" She will sit there THAT long. And, yes... I will let her sit there that long. I will let her sit there until I can't stand the sound of her whining any more, even though the muffled sounds of the closed door ... And then I will walk in there, shake my head, wipe her ass and then offer her a jumbo cheese stick and an 8 oz glass of milk. HA! That will show HER.. she won't be needing my assistance now for at least a few days.....

My first blog.

So, here it is. The start of my journey as a blogger.

I really don't feel like doing a "This is me, this is who I am, this is why I want to blog" post, so I'm just going to skip all that BS and get to the point. I'm a divorced mom of three wonderfully random, sometimes annoying, always hilarious children who do and say things that make me laugh (or shake my head in wonder and confusion) every day. I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and not remember how my 4 year old would randomly whisper to herself about horses or run to me in amazement because she found a chocolate chip giving birth on the living room floor. Or forget that my son, at one point in his life, would rather read comic books and revel in Star Wars nerdom than smoke a joint and get to 2nd base with that hot chick from the soccer team. Or forget how my 6 year old would sneak food and then hide the containers and wrappers all over the house and then realize 10 years from now that I encouraged her eating disorder by denying her that ONE fucking piece of string cheese because dinner was in 20 minutes thus forcing her to sneak food and eat like a rabid racoon under her bed...

These are the things I don't want to forget and likley the very things I will blog about. The little (and maybe not so little) things that happen every day that make me laugh, cry, or even sometimes want slit my wrists... or at the very least give one of my children up for adoption.. To Madonna, of course..who else?